You can’t give it away…

I used to think that maybe it was me.

After all, Philip French is lauded far and wide as one of the great movie reviewers, writing for one of Britain’s great broadsheet newspapers and every now and again collecting an award for his contributions to the world of film.

Nobody else seems to be incensed that this bald, four-eyed knob-head (I can say this, as these are attributes we share) constantly, week after week after week after week gives away the plots, best lines and even the very endings of the films he reviews.

Of course, Frenchy is not the only culprit. There have been others – notably Peter Bradshaw and Tim Robey – who have reviewed films as if they are a part of a school show-and-tell: ensuring they mention all the important bits in case the teacher has seen the movie.

It has become so ‘normal’ for these folks to indulge in spoiling, that they will use phrases like, “… the turning point of the film is when xxxxx… “; or, “The funniest part is when xxxx… “; or even, “… at the dénouement … “. Aaaarrgh! It’s not as if I can clap my hands over my ears and lalala loudly.

Some years ago I became so hacked-off that I built and published a website dedicated to naming and shaming (p)reviewers, in the hope that a campaign might be directed towards making them STFU. But that was a long time before* (anti-)social media and this blogging business.

Trouble was, I called it x-flix.com, which consigned it neatly into the sweaty, acrid and sticky-keyboarded world of porniness. So I was a tad naïve.

But consider: making a movie (or ‘film’ in English) is a very, very serious business. Writers, directors, actors, grips, associate producers, voice coaches, cooks, editors, bottle washers and an untold army of professionals spend months giving their all in order to bring you a story that unfolds before you. A story that (hopefully) takes you on a journey of discovery, wonder… and maybe it’ll even make you think. But what you don’t want to be thinking is, “I know what happens next.”

So, Philip French: please stop telling us what you saw at the movies. There are other reviewers out there from whom you could learn something; not least a little humility, because all you’re doing is ruining it for all of us, while taking the plaudits for your (very) little part of the process. By the way, one of the most frustrating things is that we appear to concur on most of what you write… and having a chat with you over a glass of šipon would be rather agreeable. Unless, of course, someone else had already told me what you would say next.

*I nearly wrote ‘way before’ there, but my brain kicked in. On which note, everybody: please try to use the word ‘much’ in preference to the sickly, childish American ‘way’. The phrase, for instance is ‘much too much’, not ‘way too much’.

Thank you. You can all go home now.