Are You A Person Who Has Just Moved to Brussels? Here are some TIPS.

You’re nicked my girl

An homage to a piece by @unfortunatalie, wherein she points out the vagaries of getting around London. I was going to leave a comment on her site, but figured I may as well plagiarise her instead (but probably best to read hers first)

I live in Brussels. Like most people who live in Brussels, I do not come from Brussels. A friend of mine, who also does not come from Brussels, has just visited Brussels. He suggested that I write out some BEGINNER’S TIPS for people who do not come from Brussels who have just moved to Brussels, as everyone who does not come from Brussels inevitably shall, at some point.

This is not a definitive list. I’ve only been here for just over two years – not nearly long enough to even discover 10% of this ridiculous city – so there’s still a lot more I have to discover. Also, most of it seems to be about public transport? Oh well.

1. Escalators! Stand on the right, walk on the left. I’d assume everyone already knew this, but given the amounts of people I see flouting this rule daily, it bears repeating. Of course, that’s assuming the damn thing is working. Again.
2. You can’t pay with cash on the tram. You can only use a travel card… but if you do, everyone will stare at you and think you’re a tourist.
3. Enter through any door of the tram and exit through any door. Attempts to get on before others have got off will be frowned upon.
4. Never make eye contact on public transport – full stop.
5. Do not pronounce the “bonjour” in “bonjour”. It’s “b’jeur”.
6. Think of the Euro Brussels/Belgian Brussels/Moroccan Brussels/Congolese Brussels/French ex-pat Brussels  divide as similar to the Euro/Belgian/Moroccan/Congolese/French tax evaders divide. No party likes any of the others very much, but they’ll sell each other their gravy at hugely inflated prices.
7. If you don’t have anything to hold onto on the metro, bend your knees a little to avoid falling over. I come from London, so I was pre-versed.
8. It’s just called “Poo”. You must avoid it every day, but you will probably not miss it, as it is spread over every pavement in the city – in every district. Also, the roads and pavements are made of rocks and holes, with a bit of gravel thrown in. It is therefore utterly impossible to walk elegantly in Brussels. True.
9. It’s difficult not to buy booze in central Brussels past about 11pm. I KNOW, IT’S FANTASTIC.
10. There are no night buses, just buses that are more tired.
11. Nobody gets on a bus at night – you’re never that far from home.
12. Arguing about the best beer to drink and which bar to get it in is a popular pastime, and the faster you can familiarise yourself with the beer system in order to do this, the sooner you will be accepted. Try to cultivate a knowledge of “unusual” beers; this will make you look cool. Remember: Melissa Cole is not always right.
13. Wait whilst people exit the carriage before attempting to board the train. This is just general etiquette. You wankers. Same everywhere, as far as I know.
14. No one reads City AM. No one knows what City AM is about. Because rubbish ‘free’ publications are not a feature of the Brussels commute.
15. If you exit at a metro station and there is classical music playing over the station speakers, be careful. You’re not in Brussels anymore. You’re in Kansas. And drunk.
16. If you hear the public announcement system in a station calling for “Monsieur Sands”, best make your way to the exit as quickly and calmly as possible. Just in case.
17. If you are a small person, feel free to take a Velo: they’re far superior to those Johnny-Come-Lately London ones.
18. Everything outside of your immediate postcode is considered to be another country. This could well be within one block.
19. The best bet for an acceptably priced pint in central Brussels is a bar.
20. Whatever you do, never, ever, ever, ever, go into the rest of Belgium thinking you’re in the same country: you’re not.